the night terrors are not

I didn't find what i was looking for
Wanted you to know that
Coming back, discovered that i left myself
And not you.
I found myself again when i looked inside
The box that everyone tries to hide
Taped up and set in a corner
Stamped Fragile and all sorts of labels
The reason I walked away
The reason I fell for you
The reason I stayed
They scare me like a boogeyman

Walking gave me strength but
Not to give myself to you again.
The worst fear was that I would find
That I truly did love you

But i made sure to burn that bridge

And i never saw you in my dreams
Again

But I did find my other lovers there.
They told me a different story.
They were all pieces of you in the future
Chopped up to arrange for me a picture

Of what I have been trying to love.
Avoid.

A monster

Let it

If desire is the only thing
To bring us together
I will let it begin
Let it unravel and

Bring us together, in sorrow
And sin, and travel
Away from our rotten ways
I'll let it forgive us
And win

Allow it to survive my instinct
To kill every good thing
In my life
I'll let it revive my life

And teach me to live and to love
Again
And again
And again

Seeking you

In search of the eye that approaches
My soul with ease
Though encased in a lie my soul may be
And weary of trial and error through which
Every searching soul sees.
The higher path is for the least of these
Who have no strength except to believe

Jan 26, 2015

Friends

I want a friendship worth making love over
Not love worth losing a friendship over

Zombie love

The shit we do when we feel alone

Cant even figure out what I'm feeling

So far, I'm just alone.

Death isn't my biggest fear anymore,

It's the possibility

Of an inkling

Of a feeling that implies

Something so beautiful

And grand

That I'd rather pull the trigger

On the plan. Just lay down instead

And fucking eat my pills

Like the illness I have

Get the hell out of there like, damn

Who do I think I am?

Succumb, sometimes, relief

I'm unhappy, indulgent, and selfish. I wont be good for you because I'll use you and then abandon you. That's the kind of person I am, a maneater. I am afraid of committing, no good comes out of commitment to another human, only pain and love. "Love" is a lesson in life, its not something permanent...to grow you up. Like a lie, it just gives you an endorphin induced high and burns out like the shame that comes with it. What do you expect from a liar? My mom has always been right about me, and I never could accept it because somehow I thought I was better than her. But now I see that I'm no better, she calls me selfish and a liar. And it's TRUE, I'm just like her, and I can't do better than that. I'm disloyal and I won't do better.

These are the thoughts that battle me today, and I didn't win. It feels good to give in sometimes when you're alone and broken and peacefully going about your day. Makes all the fears go away.

a journey i don't want to admit

finally it came to this, i
thought I knew better
i didn't think i would walk
right back into it again.
a familiar hallway. death

trying to survive in a
i'm dying
safe travels, he said

like nothing ever happened
tailored to suit his needs

I'll come back to haunt you,
said he, trying to admit he was wrong
but he wasn't
according to him

trying isn't good enough,
I adjure myself
but trying is better than not.

my fate is adjourned.
my father has returned.
will i ever escape my father?

Workers of Iniquity, They Do Not Know

are like killer bees, attacking my heart
in a swift army fleet from the deepest, darkest hell
where is this all coming from? they announce my defeat
Intent on terrorizing every moment of peace about me.
I am instinctively, indefensively impaired
I am scared
(speaking to myself) in repeat

You can't take me down, Fear
You can't fake me into despair

Entrusting my life to the Source - "this is all an illusion
of darkness, of void," He whispers,
It's all a distraction to avoid, and I
Still
Press
On, towards the Lover is my goal.

entrapment can't exist in the inertia of my soul
controlled by a higher Law, now
Intrinsically free, now
like a freefall that travels up, up, and away
from fear and domination and control

All that once framed all that I know - has neutronically expired
Neurologically rewired towards bionic repair
Laughingly realize - they do not know what they are doing
in me. Breaking me in like this,

Only succeeds in making me
Utterly,
Undefeatably,
And Infinitely More
Invincible.