My lovely sister holds the universe for me, for one morning

Sometimes Life just falls into your lap in a messy, tear-stained heap and you are just supposed to shower it with kisses and hugs and love it.

Before the foundation of the world

I remember a time...

Before the foundation of the world, I sat there in the heavens, basking in His presence and knowing it for eternity as my home. I observed all that was being created by my Father, having myself been created out of a spark in His eye. I knew nothing but pure love and joy and righteousness in the courts of the Lord.

I watched as the beautiful blue globe withdrew further and further away from Him, into the darkness, men in compelling and violent awe of the power of free will given to them. His firstborn turning away even from Him, exhausted from the distance and desirous of the convenient pleasure around them. I watched as the Father wept, and experienced the most sorrowful yearning to ever be felt by anyone, but could not be consoled. He knew he had to feel it. All of us could not bear His heart to be broken. Even then, He was very deliberate in all of His actions, and threw a celebration in the heavens, as He sent His Son down to fulfill the mission of His heart. Even in the place outside of time, we could never cease to be in loving awe of this Entity, the Creator and source of life. It was not possible. The fullness was always understood and accepted.

One morning, I boldly asked the Lord to send me to carry His light onto the lonely ball.

"But they want to know You, they MUST! They just don't know it yet. You can do anything, Father, your heart must be known to all. It is finished!"

"My child, it is a long and weary journey. The message is joyful and my Spirit with you, but the atmosphere will almost kill you. As long as you carry only My burden and walk in my presence, nothing will harm you. Do you want to? You may be tempted to forsake Me"

Perhaps I was eager already, and rushed forward. Perhaps I was excited for the journey, a bit curious but also full of the hope of His glory.

He trusted me, with His message to the world. I was naive, but He knew it was my naivety that was gentle enough to preserve, and the boldness that would see it to the end. Did I have a doubt in my mind? Did I even hesitate? I could never imagine what existence would be like apart from His presence..."I am always with you, I always love you, I always will, as long as I AM," He would tell me but I couldn't fully understand what "always" meant.

I would go through indescribable lengths to remember Him, and He to pursue me...

One thing I know now for sure is that I would have never known Love as much as I do, had I never asked to be born into a world without it.

I'm sometimes so afraid to reveal my true self that it all comes out some other way. I feel like I contain thousands of little children, each with its own secret, and they know that the Big Mother does not want them to be expressed. They hold secret meetings in large cohorts to discuss the possible solutions. When a consensus has been reached, they find the strength to defy authority.

Prophecy of the new season

Three paths...
One is short, dark and "low". (Possible marriage)
One is long, "higher" and filled with potential of power, but with a struggle against confusion and a sense of "scrambling" against a glass ceiling. (Urban Planning)
One is the "highest", headed towards a great white orb that melts into an multi-dimensional painting of many interpretations. I am led by the sound of bells. (Bells sounding from the church, the consistent element through an evolving landscape over time). There is peaceful green pasture and I have naturally followed it before I even realized it was right. (Design)

I will be happy.

We have to see and hear with our hearts, not just with our eyes and ears. Words and arguments are tools, weapons, and fortresses but only a heart can decipher a heart.

That time hits again.
I've done all I can, and there's still more to do.
I look at the clock, and want to just lay down and sink back into the beginning of time.
I want His presence, where I just know...who He is. Who loves me.
The times I can't seem to find that love for myself from myself, from my family, friends, lover or music, art, food, clothes, images, worldly riches...
There is one who is pure Love, the source, the truth, the one and only...infinite and Good!

I've lost my mind and heart to this Person...
The only Person who deserves to have it all. I give it away, so freely!

Praise the Lord.

The rain makes me reflective

I met with an older friend for lunch, and went about my usual ramble with unusual restraint because I recently discovered the significance of narration. I wanted to look through his eyes instead of tell him my view, since I have seen all I could see with my own. I spoke of hopeless and an estranged life, and he spoke of the balance of greater things. I felt so safe in a view which encompassed many sorrows and joys into one story of peace, and a victor. The wisdom that comes from age is too often neglected; it is shelter in a storm.

I went to the beach today, driving up highway 1 north of Santa Cruz. The sky looked unusually large above the freeway, the clouds were majestic and I learned their names. The big white fluffy clouds are Cumulus, the white and dark clouds are Cumulonimbus, and Nimbus are the dark stormy clouds. I thought that it must have reflected God's heart because I once could not believe He had room for me there. While we were quiet in the car listening to the synthetic beat of the music, I remembered the times I had buried myself into a cave of illusions. Raves, they called them, where the music and drugs would artificially weave a harmonious state of mind into the collective conscious and overheated bodies melted deliriously in the corners of the room. There was a deep, subconscious belief that we had to escape reality to experience peace, love, unity, and respect.

We wondered how long it would take to ride the 1 all the way down to Socal as we sliced through the fog that hung so carefully in the trees.

Davenport.

Nimbus clouds were hanging ominously over the distant sea, and two great birds were floating still in the air. There was no other reason for them to be outstretched in the wind, in the same spot for the half hour we were there, except for sport. We huddled in a blanket for warmth but the distant Nimbus clouds had arrived to a spot over us and began to water us furiously. On our way back, we found a hole in the wall Mexican place that was actually a deep cavern for happy hour and I took two shots of tequila for the sake of having no occasion and that it was Wednesday and I'm not employed, dammit. The bartender had deep blue eyes like the beach and talking to her was like splashing in them.

Small group was pleasant because a song was birthed out of a prayer for our brother and the fullness of Spirit was aching to fill him. He was in France for business school and the prestige and academic pressure was depriving him of sleep and community. We let the Spirit express itself through song to feed a hungry orphan. I wish we could have let himself respond with the tears he held back but he was rushed off to another meeting.

The next activity was making collages, and we revisited our 5 year old inner child as we cut and pasted magazine pictures, singing childhood songs and making fun of each other. Children are usually very confident, because they know who they are. It is very powerful in its purity, to simple BE. It is the strongest force in the world to Be Yourself As You Are.

Each person presented in front of the whole group and I was amazed at the depth of each person's soul, although perhaps it wasn't so apparent to anyone else. I was ashamed of mine until it was on display and I had little to say, but everyone came in to fill the silence with their depictions. "You're close to the source of Creation, the Creator. You enjoy making something amazing out of nothing, a true creator. You want to do something beyond this world."

Sometimes it's good to be reminded of who you are.