Would a heart that is frozen

Bitterly flowing

Endless reminders of pain



Dare to believe once again

And be revived by

Your name that is Jealousy

Billionaire inverse

I wanna be a missionaire, so frickin bad

Give all of the things I never had

I wanna be in the center of the 1040 window

Smiling next to Jesus and His crew

Every time I close my eyes

I see His name is shining lights

A different city every night oh I

I declare, the world better prepare

For when Christ is in the air

(the rap)

Yeah I would have a flow like Jonah

I would make the most of every mission trip

Give babies a wish list

I’d probably pull something that Saint Paul did

Raise people from the dead and demons he got rid

Give away all my possessions like here lady have this

And last but not least heal somebody their sickness

It’s been a couple months since I’ve drank clean water so

I just pray to God I won’t get Typhoid or Polio

Oh every time I close my eyes

I see His name is shining lights

A different city every night oh I

I declare, the world better prepare

For when Christ is in the air

I let her go, but she is still with me

Who you are truly

Is

An honest woman of great beauty,

A wife of noble character,

A source of endless maternity.

You are filled with love

Warmth

Mercy

Kindness, justice, an advocate and a faithful

Pillar.

But you lost your way somehow,

Forgot the beginning of life

Forsook the hope in my eyes

Forfeited the rights to my heart.

I forgive you,

To the Father

Who deals with all in His grace and love

I’m sorry you had missed out

On the truth of who you really are

And the rest of us through you

I will remember all the few moments

We had when

You touched my heart, and we bled together.

Deep inside, I know you are still alive

I know you are with me.

I believe we will be who we are

One day.

Invalid

This is the past I say, dare I say

All in the past no more today I feel

no more

You said, don't feel the past

You said, don't feel

The way you feel anymore

Did you hear my voice I ask?

Did you hear your own?

It's never been this open, I tell you

The truth I am

The truth, I am

the truth

You see

Reluctantly

I was so

Lost in what you forgot to see in me

while I was yours to keep, to reflect your self esteem

That you forgot to cry and recall your past, indeed

That you forgot to believe in me

You forgot to believe

in you in me

While you forgot to feel, you killed my love

My dear you killed my love

You fought the will to bleed

While you forgot what's real, you killed my love, my dear

You killed my love

for you for me

What design did You build in me?
This longing, misdirected,
Silences all the anointed pleas.

What fever did You ignite in me
That I would sequester
My own body parts, a gruesome ordeal?
I'd rather bleed and stagger
Than to stumble out of Your presence.

What pleasure do You find in me
That You would remain faithful
To this faithless heart, my Love?

The first to die will live to last

Death I do, this is my deed
Indeed this death, to life I bleed
I bled to life, when blood I took
And take His life for mine to lead

A hope to end all hopes on earth
A life more final than its own birth
is what I've found, the day I died
I denied myself to find my worth

No more pain, hunger or thirst
No longer orphans, no longer cursed
For the first shall fall behind to last
And the last shall be found as first

Love of a child

This one is new, I picked it up from the curb

And waved it to my mother who was waiting by the car door

frowning, dear child what is this dirty thing?

A torn sock, gutted and loosely strung with threads all around

reminded me of a picture book I once read about a raggedy doll

who came to life upon meeting the love of a child.

Perhaps, I thought

if only I could love it, it would come alive!

Love it tried I, my mother disapproved and hurried,

Grumbling under her breath about the junk I brought home.

Why do you like this garbage? Why don't you like new dolls,

like all the other normal children?

I could never stop beaming, the imaginary doll

was already coming to life, buttons and yarn and the whole nine yards.

Loving her! He is such a delight, he's actually beautiful

But mother has plans, and her heart has forgotten what it means

to bring dolls to life. dirty, she mutters

Please don't throw him away

I pleaded

Don't

(because I love him)

I'll throw it away, I promise

But I kept him alive in my drawers

Dancing, and singing, and telling me stories until bedtime

He makes me laugh (I thought to my mother)

but she will never remember the feeling.

He is able to make us stand

Things are beginning to align.
People have said my whole life, "She is a lost cause".
Everytime I hear it, I feel a deep resonance in my soul, something placed in me since birth.
A curse passed down from my origin, speaking of abandonment and futility in love.
Are these people calling out the truth which fits in the cavity of my soul? Or its emptiness?

Be careful what you speak forth.

I am tempted to surrender to this voice, the despair of hopelessness.
"Abandon her for she is abandoned"
(I wonder if this is what you are experiencing, my friend of signs and wonders)
"Abandon her for she will abandon you"

Time has nothing on the Lord.
One day I could be here, the next day I am a thousand years ahead of everyone else.

"But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day."
2 Peter 3:8

Every man

Every man is a new man,
Not one is ever the same again.
No man is himself, but a shadow
Of the man he really is.

Every man is a new man,
That I meet albeit in the same places and the same context
And the same times as before
They all go about, in boyish curiosity
In secret quests and charging pursuits
In sulking defeats and fiery tempers
Satisfied, yet discontent with ambition.

Every man is a new man,
His condition does not define him.
His reason exceeds and tries him.
But faithful he remains to the truths in his heart,
To beat of his own heart.

the Truth is too good

Can't I just stay here with you forever?
You are so good to me. You are so good.
You're everything I need.

How could I have forgotten, slipped for a moment
And decided to take control
Of my own needs, to find a solution for myself?

You take me back
You are my caretaker
You are my lover
You are my all

Psalms 4:4

In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Selah

My heart is broken and leaking out all over the place.
I'm angry... so angry.
There, I said it.

I guess I WAS hiding.

Mom

I rested this morning before your love became true
A touch on my forehead was the beginning
of Understanding
Everything I had lost since my childhood
You were timid and beautiful,
Yet your softness was foreign.

I felt like you were saying,
"You don't have to beg for my love any longer"
And it took many tears for me to receive it,
Because I didn't realize

That I am still your daughter

Co-dance-pendant

Believe you me,
I know me you
And meanwhile, you mean well
But well is not meant
To replace what is meant to be
Between me and you.

I can't sleep because everyone and everything wants me to be a part of it.
Aching for oneness, the whole entire world.
While it cries "Ursprache" in the belly of the beast.

What needs are so great they would forget how to be met?
What does it see in me that would fulfill its destiny?

A conduit for its passions,
A host for its lust
The Worldly opinion always weighs so heavily upon us
"You must! You must!"

Do I aim for greater things or stand very still
In the sovereignty of time, like the timeless sage
Without a burden of ego or will

Or does My Responsibility carry this burden
To bring forth the new season
with its own manual brute forceful reason?

Perhaps one day the everythings and everyones that ever need me
will trust me to become the me that it never knew would be what it needs.

Regeneration (Adult to Infant)

losing effort to keep distance selfish ideologies died in heart transition flight posing to wrench a precious gem from a desert landscape deep deep
died again and again through each
layer flesh and bones and organs shutting down
cycle growth is sunset sunrise vital rhythm
growth, up up
spinning and shedding infiltrating stratosphere
resonating interdimensional space
between neuropathways and heart beats dance thunder
Stars between feet kind of motion in the ocean
Traversing between mind and matter and all that chatter
babbling Laugh ha ha grow ha
Explode you twinkling eye and wrinkle in time, loved that book
sense is none you happy child awakened wide

sometimes the worst pain is right at that threshold of knowing what is the truth and the best and is love and realizing everything you've ever done to substitute it

and the best feeling is the release
of everything you've used to substitute it
to let in the real thing

Father hope

when I sit here and think about
whether you will ever know
how I felt about you, I would feel a death
Those tired fears exhale gently,
And I'm released.
Strength is the surrender of my soul
to the Lord
to my Lord

the screaming tears are never wet
but they are sweeter than blood
when your wound in me is reopened

I would sacrifice my heart
like you wanted, needed
to make you feel like a man
(you wonder why I would let others)
when your wife could not fulfill that
you could take from three more
three more mothers you would have ravished
to make you whole

Thank God
I am the only one I let you ruin
I say to myself

But it's not enough for my heart to heal
to escape the way I feel
to forget
the heart I had for you before
the yearning and trusting and beautifying
effect your love would have had on me

Would have on me

Has

A tiny, timid, new ( )
But I'm afraid to say it

There is no absolute Truth

Because Truth is a Person you have absolute faith in

Life is

A process of translating reality into truth.
Death is the consequence of preferring to settle for a more convenient reality.

Practical advice

Love and nourish the weakest parts of yourself - they are what connects you to the source of Life and communicates the deepest need of humanity. They are the most fought over and highly prized among the heavenly hosts.

Hey me, find yourself!

Tired of cheating to live, lying to be free
Sticking to my guts is about the only
practical advice I can abuse
Genuine love is about the only thing I can refuse

Who am I really, you dear self?

Inside out, you've bled throughout
But your heart is still hiding out
In a cage for someone to unlock,
Or at least be discovered, simply to be

What I think about at least once a day

Where does this sadness come from and how can I make it beautiful?

My lovely sister holds the universe for me, for one morning

Sometimes Life just falls into your lap in a messy, tear-stained heap and you are just supposed to shower it with kisses and hugs and love it.

Before the foundation of the world

I remember a time...

Before the foundation of the world, I sat there in the heavens, basking in His presence and knowing it for eternity as my home. I observed all that was being created by my Father, having myself been created out of a spark in His eye. I knew nothing but pure love and joy and righteousness in the courts of the Lord.

I watched as the beautiful blue globe withdrew further and further away from Him, into the darkness, men in compelling and violent awe of the power of free will given to them. His firstborn turning away even from Him, exhausted from the distance and desirous of the convenient pleasure around them. I watched as the Father wept, and experienced the most sorrowful yearning to ever be felt by anyone, but could not be consoled. He knew he had to feel it. All of us could not bear His heart to be broken. Even then, He was very deliberate in all of His actions, and threw a celebration in the heavens, as He sent His Son down to fulfill the mission of His heart. Even in the place outside of time, we could never cease to be in loving awe of this Entity, the Creator and source of life. It was not possible. The fullness was always understood and accepted.

One morning, I boldly asked the Lord to send me to carry His light onto the lonely ball.

"But they want to know You, they MUST! They just don't know it yet. You can do anything, Father, your heart must be known to all. It is finished!"

"My child, it is a long and weary journey. The message is joyful and my Spirit with you, but the atmosphere will almost kill you. As long as you carry only My burden and walk in my presence, nothing will harm you. Do you want to? You may be tempted to forsake Me"

Perhaps I was eager already, and rushed forward. Perhaps I was excited for the journey, a bit curious but also full of the hope of His glory.

He trusted me, with His message to the world. I was naive, but He knew it was my naivety that was gentle enough to preserve, and the boldness that would see it to the end. Did I have a doubt in my mind? Did I even hesitate? I could never imagine what existence would be like apart from His presence..."I am always with you, I always love you, I always will, as long as I AM," He would tell me but I couldn't fully understand what "always" meant.

I would go through indescribable lengths to remember Him, and He to pursue me...

One thing I know now for sure is that I would have never known Love as much as I do, had I never asked to be born into a world without it.

I'm sometimes so afraid to reveal my true self that it all comes out some other way. I feel like I contain thousands of little children, each with its own secret, and they know that the Big Mother does not want them to be expressed. They hold secret meetings in large cohorts to discuss the possible solutions. When a consensus has been reached, they find the strength to defy authority.

Prophecy of the new season

Three paths...
One is short, dark and "low". (Possible marriage)
One is long, "higher" and filled with potential of power, but with a struggle against confusion and a sense of "scrambling" against a glass ceiling. (Urban Planning)
One is the "highest", headed towards a great white orb that melts into an multi-dimensional painting of many interpretations. I am led by the sound of bells. (Bells sounding from the church, the consistent element through an evolving landscape over time). There is peaceful green pasture and I have naturally followed it before I even realized it was right. (Design)

I will be happy.

We have to see and hear with our hearts, not just with our eyes and ears. Words and arguments are tools, weapons, and fortresses but only a heart can decipher a heart.

That time hits again.
I've done all I can, and there's still more to do.
I look at the clock, and want to just lay down and sink back into the beginning of time.
I want His presence, where I just know...who He is. Who loves me.
The times I can't seem to find that love for myself from myself, from my family, friends, lover or music, art, food, clothes, images, worldly riches...
There is one who is pure Love, the source, the truth, the one and only...infinite and Good!

I've lost my mind and heart to this Person...
The only Person who deserves to have it all. I give it away, so freely!

Praise the Lord.

The rain makes me reflective

I met with an older friend for lunch, and went about my usual ramble with unusual restraint because I recently discovered the significance of narration. I wanted to look through his eyes instead of tell him my view, since I have seen all I could see with my own. I spoke of hopeless and an estranged life, and he spoke of the balance of greater things. I felt so safe in a view which encompassed many sorrows and joys into one story of peace, and a victor. The wisdom that comes from age is too often neglected; it is shelter in a storm.

I went to the beach today, driving up highway 1 north of Santa Cruz. The sky looked unusually large above the freeway, the clouds were majestic and I learned their names. The big white fluffy clouds are Cumulus, the white and dark clouds are Cumulonimbus, and Nimbus are the dark stormy clouds. I thought that it must have reflected God's heart because I once could not believe He had room for me there. While we were quiet in the car listening to the synthetic beat of the music, I remembered the times I had buried myself into a cave of illusions. Raves, they called them, where the music and drugs would artificially weave a harmonious state of mind into the collective conscious and overheated bodies melted deliriously in the corners of the room. There was a deep, subconscious belief that we had to escape reality to experience peace, love, unity, and respect.

We wondered how long it would take to ride the 1 all the way down to Socal as we sliced through the fog that hung so carefully in the trees.

Davenport.

Nimbus clouds were hanging ominously over the distant sea, and two great birds were floating still in the air. There was no other reason for them to be outstretched in the wind, in the same spot for the half hour we were there, except for sport. We huddled in a blanket for warmth but the distant Nimbus clouds had arrived to a spot over us and began to water us furiously. On our way back, we found a hole in the wall Mexican place that was actually a deep cavern for happy hour and I took two shots of tequila for the sake of having no occasion and that it was Wednesday and I'm not employed, dammit. The bartender had deep blue eyes like the beach and talking to her was like splashing in them.

Small group was pleasant because a song was birthed out of a prayer for our brother and the fullness of Spirit was aching to fill him. He was in France for business school and the prestige and academic pressure was depriving him of sleep and community. We let the Spirit express itself through song to feed a hungry orphan. I wish we could have let himself respond with the tears he held back but he was rushed off to another meeting.

The next activity was making collages, and we revisited our 5 year old inner child as we cut and pasted magazine pictures, singing childhood songs and making fun of each other. Children are usually very confident, because they know who they are. It is very powerful in its purity, to simple BE. It is the strongest force in the world to Be Yourself As You Are.

Each person presented in front of the whole group and I was amazed at the depth of each person's soul, although perhaps it wasn't so apparent to anyone else. I was ashamed of mine until it was on display and I had little to say, but everyone came in to fill the silence with their depictions. "You're close to the source of Creation, the Creator. You enjoy making something amazing out of nothing, a true creator. You want to do something beyond this world."

Sometimes it's good to be reminded of who you are.

It is not a game, and the rebound may not win

I guess, love is letting go, a battle of hearts
You cannot win until you lose

If you don't share the vibe, then leave me tonight.
I'd rather be alone
To heal from these wounds upon wounds
Of which you have graduated with honors, a general with medals
As in all the rest of the departments of your life

I don't have the energy to try or to fight,
I've lost it before, and I am in the ward.
It's a sick sick world out there
I am but one casualty, invalid
Can't you see what you're dealing with?

The smell of anesthesia fills the air, but we're all still aching in here
Leaving me but the inside of my eyelids
To agree with sound of the promise
Beating underneath the bandages, summoning
The day that I see the sky again