Succumb, sometimes, relief

I'm unhappy, indulgent, and selfish. I wont be good for you because I'll use you and then abandon you. That's the kind of person I am, a maneater. I am afraid of committing, no good comes out of commitment to another human, only pain and love. "Love" is a lesson in life, its not something permanent...to grow you up. Like a lie, it just gives you an endorphin induced high and burns out like the shame that comes with it. What do you expect from a liar? My mom has always been right about me, and I never could accept it because somehow I thought I was better than her. But now I see that I'm no better, she calls me selfish and a liar. And it's TRUE, I'm just like her, and I can't do better than that. I'm disloyal and I won't do better.

These are the thoughts that battle me today, and I didn't win. It feels good to give in sometimes when you're alone and broken and peacefully going about your day. Makes all the fears go away.