the days are lit with a sanguine sun

One of the excerpts from a spiritual battle:

I don't remember what normal life is like. I used to have a better concept when I was younger and more pure. I think as we experience the filtered life of decay and corruption, these purities come out less. It's amazing how much a person can appear to be by what they avoid showing others. I have so many secrets that they don't fit into my closets anymore, and they are overflowing like the stench of rotting corpses under the floorboards. I'm screaming and vomiting tears while smiling and laughing at your jokes. I wash the inside of this mask every night with the salty solution that seems never to stop flowing from my eyes. I've induced my mind to transcend above this ritual and appear to be at peace in this world, floating above the sadness but being possessed by it. But I have wasted away already, gaunt and pallid like a christmas ghost. No one will save me, no one has noticed or explained how things work in reality. I can't figure them out anymore, I need to explode. I need to destroy something, burn my pain onto something that is more concrete than what I perceive in my world. Everything is an illusion, and I can't bear to face anyone anymore with a genuine response. It has fallen apart, I am no longer this reiterated persona, redefined Self. I cannot compromise myself any longer, yet these obsessive delusions trapped within my inner being will spill out into the world if I don't lock myself up. I am the Pandora's box. Kneeling beside it, I am perspiring with the burden to keep it closed. I no longer know who I am trying to protect, myself or the world, yet this futile effort seems to suck my essence dry. Father, I am crying out to you but I don't feel like you hear me. I can't do this any longer. I am dying inside. I am losing my soul to the devil himself. I am losing this battle. I am so angry that You have not helped me in any part of my life, it sometimes appears. Why did You let this happen to me? Why do You expect so much from me? Why did You allow my life to become such a mess and me o become this ugly insignificant insect of a human. Why Lord, did You create me? I am such a failure and a worthless shit that can't straighten anything in my life worth shit. I am shit. I am shit. I can't live right. I can't please anyone, least of all myself. I deserve... I want to die, Lord. I want this pain to stop and these demons to stop harrassing me. I can't see You anymore, You are hiding from me because I've failed you and You are punishing me because I'm so worthless. Why do I have these thoughts so frequently when I know they're not true? Why do I believe them? I don't know what to do. I don't want my life anymore. It's Yours, do what You will Lord and save this tortured soul. Free me from the chains of my own sins and expectations. I am nothing. Father please help me.