the night terrors are not

I didn't find what i was looking for
Wanted you to know that
Coming back, discovered that i left myself
And not you.
I found myself again when i looked inside
The box that everyone tries to hide
Taped up and set in a corner
Stamped Fragile and all sorts of labels
The reason I walked away
The reason I fell for you
The reason I stayed
They scare me like a boogeyman

Walking gave me strength but
Not to give myself to you again.
The worst fear was that I would find
That I truly did love you

But i made sure to burn that bridge

And i never saw you in my dreams
Again

But I did find my other lovers there.
They told me a different story.
They were all pieces of you in the future
Chopped up to arrange for me a picture

Of what I have been trying to love.
Avoid.

A monster

Let it

If desire is the only thing
To bring us together
I will let it begin
Let it unravel and

Bring us together, in sorrow
And sin, and travel
Away from our rotten ways
I'll let it forgive us
And win

Allow it to survive my instinct
To kill every good thing
In my life
I'll let it revive my life

And teach me to live and to love
Again
And again
And again

Seeking you

In search of the eye that approaches
My soul with ease
Though encased in a lie my soul may be
And weary of trial and error through which
Every searching soul sees.
The higher path is for the least of these
Who have no strength except to believe

Jan 26, 2015

Friends

I want a friendship worth making love over
Not love worth losing a friendship over

Zombie love

The shit we do when we feel alone

Cant even figure out what I'm feeling

So far, I'm just alone.

Death isn't my biggest fear anymore,

It's the possibility

Of an inkling

Of a feeling that implies

Something so beautiful

And grand

That I'd rather pull the trigger

On the plan. Just lay down instead

And fucking eat my pills

Like the illness I have

Get the hell out of there like, damn

Who do I think I am?

Succumb, sometimes, relief

I'm unhappy, indulgent, and selfish. I wont be good for you because I'll use you and then abandon you. That's the kind of person I am, a maneater. I am afraid of committing, no good comes out of commitment to another human, only pain and love. "Love" is a lesson in life, its not something permanent...to grow you up. Like a lie, it just gives you an endorphin induced high and burns out like the shame that comes with it. What do you expect from a liar? My mom has always been right about me, and I never could accept it because somehow I thought I was better than her. But now I see that I'm no better, she calls me selfish and a liar. And it's TRUE, I'm just like her, and I can't do better than that. I'm disloyal and I won't do better.

These are the thoughts that battle me today, and I didn't win. It feels good to give in sometimes when you're alone and broken and peacefully going about your day. Makes all the fears go away.

a journey i don't want to admit

finally it came to this, i
thought I knew better
i didn't think i would walk
right back into it again.
a familiar hallway. death

trying to survive in a
i'm dying
safe travels, he said

like nothing ever happened
tailored to suit his needs

I'll come back to haunt you,
said he, trying to admit he was wrong
but he wasn't
according to him

trying isn't good enough,
I adjure myself
but trying is better than not.

my fate is adjourned.
my father has returned.
will i ever escape my father?

Workers of Iniquity, They Do Not Know

are like killer bees, attacking my heart
in a swift army fleet from the deepest, darkest hell
where is this all coming from? they announce my defeat
Intent on terrorizing every moment of peace about me.
I am instinctively, indefensively impaired
I am scared
(speaking to myself) in repeat

You can't take me down, Fear
You can't fake me into despair

Entrusting my life to the Source - "this is all an illusion
of darkness, of void," He whispers,
It's all a distraction to avoid, and I
Still
Press
On, towards the Lover is my goal.

entrapment can't exist in the inertia of my soul
controlled by a higher Law, now
Intrinsically free, now
like a freefall that travels up, up, and away
from fear and domination and control

All that once framed all that I know - has neutronically expired
Neurologically rewired towards bionic repair
Laughingly realize - they do not know what they are doing
in me. Breaking me in like this,

Only succeeds in making me
Utterly,
Undefeatably,
And Infinitely More
Invincible.

Inconceivable! We say
These experts of the neurological kind
Have uncovered this radical
Design element in a recent find
Though its origin far preceded
The observations of an ontologically
Challenged discussion, claim to see clearly
But in reality are as good as blind

The latest technology confirms that
Speech is cerebrally bilateral
With the absolute ability to
Emancipate the very source of creation
Or obstruct that which lies dimensionally
Yet undeniably imperceptible.

Unspiritual but physical? I wonder
But perhaps both are part of one storm
One as the lightening and the other as Thunder

Look it up. °_°

July 12, 2014

I wandered towards liturgy, among the wolves and wolverines

Masters at psychology, psychosis

In my attempt to figure out what’s wrong with me.

I was found dead among the wolves again

Their teeth and claws were undetectable, I sank in.

Frankly, I would rather die to this theology

Than ever delight in a religious fraternity ever again.

Forgive them, for they do not know what they do.

now with all my lives integrate

but a genius i attract
now, you say? when these breaths
are particular in whom they mend
in whom they offend
articulate, matters, they defend again and again

I bend the truth to your benefit
but you are unaware
and you spent it all on the next
dividend of selfish recruits

it's now no longer a devilish brute
that fractures the dam of internal
resistance, but an enchanting flute

filled with expectation, like a debonair Deleuze
without a title, insiduous.
In style, and pursuit

the beauty unfolded within me and i broke,
silently, into tears and awareness
a shattered mind
massaging a tired body
until the love subsided, when there was fear
it hurt her and she winced in pain
but the love subsided when there was fear

"don't let the fear win"
she pleaded, though in pain
encouraging me to trust in my own beauty again

narcissists

the Ego defends the Self

against the Other,

because the Other is the Mirror

that the Self denies is true

the Ego abuses Logic

to meet Its Own Needs

for the Ego that is bruised

will surely be the end of "Me"

although the death of "Me"

may be for the life of "You"

Victory A.

I'm living on Victory Road again
the girl I fell in love with
names her pets after the earth and the Sky

she wanders a homeless world
as a home for the weary and lost
But they all have Names
and they are all Stars

but nameless, the stars she wishes on
the ones she names from her wondering
heart, they speak of Life
and Hope and Truth and Love

the Way we were all meant to be.

learning from a mistake

If he makes you lose, he is the loser
if he doesn't leave you in better condition than he left you
good riddance
life gets a little harder, but YOU get stronger
beauty fades, and with it fades the denial that you are
beautiful

life is full of second chances
the ones who judges another exposes his own weaknesses
for mercy is the protector

perhaps you fell in love, for a moment
but it is actually yourself, you are falling in love with
and yourself, you are committing to

long time, interpretive dance
you bludgeoned your way through my menial existence
and mental discriminations and indifferences
I'm believing in you again

when you beat Harvard
possessing that one prodigy of a girl
whom I admire and abhor (but actually adore)

I'm around you again, though
Business beat the shit out of me
and worldly advances appear to be friendly

they are just as twisted as the shattered
Souls they inhabit
and the Soulless Prowess they exhibit
Insisting on becoming increasingly Narcissistic

Interpretive dance, do that thing you do to me again
just like the many forms of creativity
that you indulge with me...

during the monthly winters

sick

I don't want anyone right now. do you even read this?
probably not - you're just half a step too far away from doing what
you talk
it's enabling for me to repeat myself over and over again
just to make you realize that you're not moving
anywhere except with your ducking fick

shutting the gates of hell now, thank you
please leave me alone.

invest

a strange way to begin
to detect the lightest beginnings and begin
to invest in them,
to change with the seasons.

And allow myself to be indefinite
but inventive
as seasons become the reason to be blessed,
envisioned

Fateful

There was something new I felt today.
It's going to go a new way
All the nudes of my darkness will be appraised
for their aptitude to be a prude
Just like how I was convinced to be
So many years ago, so many tears ago,
On this fateful day

Unprotected flight

Speakers blasting with some rambunctious steroids
music like the colored hairs of these neon freaks
they like to drink tea and appear a mystery

are fighting norms that establish a cultural achievement
in society.

In search of sanity, I dole out miserable messages
of dissatisfied monogamy, to an inner world
That creates cacophony in the place of
Rapid, exact, intuitive misogynistic matrimony

He is like a false expectation that expected
nothing, ever, from me.
He never knew what to say, what to ask,
but he always had all the excuses
to prevent his world from collapsing
Into freedom