Your words are like rain

To my earth 

Drinking up the rain

That my heart always needed

In a drought, in a doubt

You woke me up with rain

I didn’t recognize it at first

Although I needed it

Desperately

Drinking everything up

You give me

My life is a book you want to read

You skipped class to see me

And I ran away from home to see you

But we were miles apart

For years and years

Across worlds and souls and bodies

And dreams and fears

We shed tears and tears

We met in the library of our hearts

How can that be?

But your words assuring me

We were meant to be

Together

Always meant to be

The rain to my earth

How long, I wonder

They say

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I found

Your presence makes my heart beat harder

I long for

Your breath on my breath like water

I feel

The time it takes to see you grows longer

How long will it be,

I wonder

I wonder.

Here's to my last chance at Life

Altered reality and I'm digging my own grave

I misplaced my heart, again and again

It shattered into pieces before

That one time I decided to be brave

I'm just afraid I'll do it again

And again

And again

Shattered I'd be this time for good

If I let it run its course

For better or for worse

But if I don't let it flow through

I may never recover for good

Because it's my last chance

Come back to earth

Singing a new song

With my voice cracking

Am I ready for this?

I'm terrified of the fire

Burning my heart, I want

To put it out with decisions

of cold logic

I can't measure the sky

so I'll settle for a plot of land

That I can come back to

When I see that your promises of the stars

Return to me empty

Guides me back home to earth

Travel

I’ll travel back in time to dance with you

Lie down in the grass

And sing to the moonlight

As if our hearts were never broken

Pillows

 I love the way your lips

Are the bed for mine

They are the most gorgeous

Pillows to lie on

For as long as i need

Still Hurts

I am so happy

Why am i still hurt?

Why does it break my heart

Every move he makes

Away from us

I didn’t even know him

But I drew a picture of us

That’s broken

He drew it with me

To pursue his own path

He never loved me

But he wanted to

I loved him

But I never wanted to 

Be with him

Because there was no future

For us. There never was

And there we were

Making things happen as though

We could make it happen

Making nothing work 

Breaking myself down to

Make it work and make it work

And nothing worked,

It all meant nothing

To me, but nothing 

Still, nothing

Still, nothing

Still hurts

Feeling again

the way you love me brings me to tears

I never thought i would feel this way

didn’t know I was lost for so many years

I was so deep underground

hardened beneath the surface

with labor and stress and fear

I fell asleep in most beautiful places

I met the most beautiful faces

but I hid behind all the pain

Your loving gaze

Your gentleness

Your intensity

wakes me up to another reality

where life is meaningful and easy

and emotions are not another harsh truth

but a simple beautiful song

that reminds me of you

the night terrors are not

I didn't find what i was looking for
Wanted you to know that
Coming back, discovered that i left myself
And not you.
I found myself again when i looked inside
The box that everyone tries to hide
Taped up and set in a corner
Stamped Fragile and all sorts of labels
The reason I walked away
The reason I fell for you
The reason I stayed
They scare me like a boogeyman

Walking gave me strength but
Not to give myself to you again.
The worst fear was that I would find
That I truly did love you

But i made sure to burn that bridge

And i never saw you in my dreams
Again

But I did find my other lovers there.
They told me a different story.
They were all pieces of you in the future
Chopped up to arrange for me a picture

Of what I have been trying to love.
Avoid.

A monster

Let it

If desire is the only thing
To bring us together
I will let it begin
Let it unravel and

Bring us together, in sorrow
And sin, and travel
Away from our rotten ways
I'll let it forgive us
And win

Allow it to survive my instinct
To kill every good thing
In my life
I'll let it revive my life

And teach me to live and to love
Again
And again
And again

Seeking you

In search of the eye that approaches
My soul with ease
Though encased in a lie my soul may be
And weary of trial and error through which
Every searching soul sees.
The higher path is for the least of these
Who have no strength except to believe

Jan 26, 2015

Friends

I want a friendship worth making love over
Not love worth losing a friendship over

Zombie love

The shit we do when we feel alone

Cant even figure out what I'm feeling

So far, I'm just alone.

Death isn't my biggest fear anymore,

It's the possibility

Of an inkling

Of a feeling that implies

Something so beautiful

And grand

That I'd rather pull the trigger

On the plan. Just lay down instead

And fucking eat my pills

Like the illness I have

Get the hell out of there like, damn

Who do I think I am?

Succumb, sometimes, relief

I'm unhappy, indulgent, and selfish. I wont be good for you because I'll use you and then abandon you. That's the kind of person I am, a maneater. I am afraid of committing, no good comes out of commitment to another human, only pain and love. "Love" is a lesson in life, its not something permanent...to grow you up. Like a lie, it just gives you an endorphin induced high and burns out like the shame that comes with it. What do you expect from a liar? My mom has always been right about me, and I never could accept it because somehow I thought I was better than her. But now I see that I'm no better, she calls me selfish and a liar. And it's TRUE, I'm just like her, and I can't do better than that. I'm disloyal and I won't do better.

These are the thoughts that battle me today, and I didn't win. It feels good to give in sometimes when you're alone and broken and peacefully going about your day. Makes all the fears go away.

a journey i don't want to admit

finally it came to this, i
thought I knew better
i didn't think i would walk
right back into it again.
a familiar hallway. death

trying to survive in a
i'm dying
safe travels, he said

like nothing ever happened
tailored to suit his needs

I'll come back to haunt you,
said he, trying to admit he was wrong
but he wasn't
according to him

trying isn't good enough,
I adjure myself
but trying is better than not.

my fate is adjourned.
my father has returned.
will i ever escape my father?

Workers of Iniquity, They Do Not Know

are like killer bees, attacking my heart
in a swift army fleet from the deepest, darkest hell
where is this all coming from? they announce my defeat
Intent on terrorizing every moment of peace about me.
I am instinctively, indefensively impaired
I am scared
(speaking to myself) in repeat

You can't take me down, Fear
You can't fake me into despair

Entrusting my life to the Source - "this is all an illusion
of darkness, of void," He whispers,
It's all a distraction to avoid, and I
Still
Press
On, towards the Lover is my goal.

entrapment can't exist in the inertia of my soul
controlled by a higher Law, now
Intrinsically free, now
like a freefall that travels up, up, and away
from fear and domination and control

All that once framed all that I know - has neutronically expired
Neurologically rewired towards bionic repair
Laughingly realize - they do not know what they are doing
in me. Breaking me in like this,

Only succeeds in making me
Utterly,
Undefeatably,
And Infinitely More
Invincible.

Inconceivable! We say
These experts of the neurological kind
Have uncovered this radical
Design element in a recent find
Though its origin far preceded
The observations of an ontologically
Challenged discussion, claim to see clearly
But in reality are as good as blind

The latest technology confirms that
Speech is cerebrally bilateral
With the absolute ability to
Emancipate the very source of creation
Or obstruct that which lies dimensionally
Yet undeniably imperceptible.

Unspiritual but physical? I wonder
But perhaps both are part of one storm
One as the lightening and the other as Thunder

Look it up. °_°

July 12, 2014

I wandered towards liturgy, among the wolves and wolverines

Masters at psychology, psychosis

In my attempt to figure out what’s wrong with me.

I was found dead among the wolves again

Their teeth and claws were undetectable, I sank in.

Frankly, I would rather die to this theology

Than ever delight in a religious fraternity ever again.

Forgive them, for they do not know what they do.

now with all my lives integrate

but a genius i attract
now, you say? when these breaths
are particular in whom they mend
in whom they offend
articulate, matters, they defend again and again

I bend the truth to your benefit
but you are unaware
and you spent it all on the next
dividend of selfish recruits

it's now no longer a devilish brute
that fractures the dam of internal
resistance, but an enchanting flute

filled with expectation, like a debonair Deleuze
without a title, insiduous.
In style, and pursuit

the beauty unfolded within me and i broke,
silently, into tears and awareness
a shattered mind
massaging a tired body
until the love subsided, when there was fear
it hurt her and she winced in pain
but the love subsided when there was fear

"don't let the fear win"
she pleaded, though in pain
encouraging me to trust in my own beauty again